Is there a grown-up version of Baby Einstein?  Yes.  It’s called, “You should already know this stuff, dummy.”

Unfortunately for Tom, I don’t.

We bought a Baby Einstein video for Tom after we were released from the hospital.  He watched it there and seemed to like it and I thought maybe, even though I don’t want him to watch a lot of TV, it would be something good for him.

Little did I know, it would really be something good for me.

Because this girl apparently doesn’t know the names of basic animals.

And it’s embarrassing.

We watch this video maybe twice a week.  And by “watch” I mean we get about 10 minutes into it and then move on to pulling my hair out or trying to pull Huck’s hair out.

I’m referring to Tom here.  I don’t pull mine or Huck’s hair out.

Even though I sometimes want to.

Especially Huck’s.

Anyway, Tom and I will sit and watch his Baby Einstein video together.  In the hopes of participating with this TV watching, therefore making me feel like I’m “teaching” Tom something, I call out the animals before the Baby Einstein voice does so he hears it a couple of times.  In my mind, this is good for him.

But really, I think all I’m doing is showing Tom that his mom should’ve maybe flunked kindergarten.  I should’ve gotten an NS in animal identifying.

Because honestly, I have no idea what half these things are.

Me:  There’s a flamingo!  And there’s a lion!  And there’s…an animal running.

Tom:  *confused look*

Kevin:  Wildebeest.

(I collect myself.)

Me:  There’s a hippo!  And there’s a tiger!  And there’s a…monkey!

Tom:  *confused look*

Baby Einstein:  Gorilla.

(Ummm…)

Me: There’s a tiger!

Kevin:  That’s a female lion.

Me:  Oh.  Oh yeah.  I knew that.  Tigers have stripes.

Tom:  Duh.

And then I realize the only reason I really know tigers have stripes is because of Frosted Flakes and Tony the Tiger.

And then I realize I actually am a moron.

And then I track down Ms. Reynolds and demand to know why she didn’t teach me these things in kindergarten.

And then Ms. Reynolds tells me to use my quiet voice.

And then I secretly watch Baby Einstein when Tom is asleep so I seem smart.

This animal is also part of the video.  Do you know what it is?  You do?!  Fine.  This mom stands alone.