Is there a grown-up version of Baby Einstein? Yes. It’s called, “You should already know this stuff, dummy.”
Unfortunately for Tom, I don’t.
We bought a Baby Einstein video for Tom after we were released from the hospital. He watched it there and seemed to like it and I thought maybe, even though I don’t want him to watch a lot of TV, it would be something good for him.
Little did I know, it would really be something good for me.
Because this girl apparently doesn’t know the names of basic animals.
And it’s embarrassing.
We watch this video maybe twice a week. And by “watch” I mean we get about 10 minutes into it and then move on to pulling my hair out or trying to pull Huck’s hair out.
I’m referring to Tom here. I don’t pull mine or Huck’s hair out.
Even though I sometimes want to.
Anyway, Tom and I will sit and watch his Baby Einstein video together. In the hopes of participating with this TV watching, therefore making me feel like I’m “teaching” Tom something, I call out the animals before the Baby Einstein voice does so he hears it a couple of times. In my mind, this is good for him.
But really, I think all I’m doing is showing Tom that his mom should’ve maybe flunked kindergarten. I should’ve gotten an NS in animal identifying.
Because honestly, I have no idea what half these things are.
Me: There’s a flamingo! And there’s a lion! And there’s…an animal running.
Tom: *confused look*
(I collect myself.)
Me: There’s a hippo! And there’s a tiger! And there’s a…monkey!
Tom: *confused look*
Baby Einstein: Gorilla.
Me: There’s a tiger!
Kevin: That’s a female lion.
Me: Oh. Oh yeah. I knew that. Tigers have stripes.
And then I realize the only reason I really know tigers have stripes is because of Frosted Flakes and Tony the Tiger.
And then I realize I actually am a moron.
And then I track down Ms. Reynolds and demand to know why she didn’t teach me these things in kindergarten.
And then Ms. Reynolds tells me to use my quiet voice.
And then I secretly watch Baby Einstein when Tom is asleep so I seem smart.
This animal is also part of the video. Do you know what it is? You do?! Fine. This mom stands alone.