When I was a little girl, I used to get my sister and friends to reenact TV shows, which I would videotape. I would direct them on what they should do. Where they should stand. What they should say. (God forbid if they went off script! Hell to pay!!)
We would then recreate commercials during the breaks. I would use my announcer voice to say which product was sponsoring our wonderful program. I used to sit in my directors chair (which my parents bought me) and clap my hands together while saying, “Take 2!”
I went to college and majored in Media Communications – specifically, television news.
My first job out of college was as a production assistant at a TV station in Atlanta – a top 10 market. It was a dream come true. It was where I had hoped to end up, and instead, here I was, working there right out of the gate.
I worked crazy hours, weekends, holidays and everything in between. It quickly became my entire life. My co-workers became like family. And eventually, I worked my way up until I was writing news, which is what I wanted to do.
And then I got married.
And then I had Tom.
And after 11 years in television news at the wonderful station that had become my second home, two months ago I sat in my boss’s office and seriously cried as I told him that I had made an absolutely crazy decision.
I wanted to quit.
Because I wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom.
There are many, many, many reasons I made the decision. Many.
But the main one is simple.
I wanted to.
How did I get here?
How did I go from career woman to wanting to be a stay-at-home-mom?
As a child, I played director, not mommy.
In my 20s, I planned for my career, not a family.
But in a few short months, I decided I wanted a complete career change.
And it wasn’t easy.
I do not do change well. As evidenced by everything I’ve ever done up until this point.
There is comfort in routine for me.
I kind of love the insanity of my life. I love feeling like I can do it all. I love coming to work. I love being able to tell people what I do for a living. I love my co-workers. I love my job.
I want to be home with Tom.
I want to.
And even though I want it. And even though it was my decision.
I am scared to death.
I am scared to be with him 24/7. I am scared I won’t be good at it. I am scared I won’t know what to do to fill our day. I am scared there will be so much to do in the day I will fail. I am scared about the impact it will have on my future job when I try to jump back in.
I am scared people will judge me.
I think I can do it.
I do not imagine it being lollipops and rainbows all day, all the time.
Some of the time.
I mean, someone will give me a lollipop sometimes, right?
Lie to me.
I told Kevin when we decided this that this was the most difficult decision I had ever made.
Not where I decided to go to college.
Not when I decided to get married.
Not when we decided to have Tom.
And even though I’m scared, and even though I’m sad about leaving my job and the friends I’ve made there, I believe I am making the right decision for me.
I believe I won’t regret it.
I believe this change will be good.
I believe I will be happy.
When I get scared about it, I remember a line from one of my favorite movies.
“You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life.”
Yes, I am.