Here’s the thing about “Alice’s Best 3-Year-Old Quotes.”

I think all of them are the best.

She is hysterical to me.

And she loves me 40!

(You’ll see what I mean.)

April 2, 2015
Me: “I think those bees are saying to me, ‘Hey lady, get out of here!'”
Alice (yelling): “Bees! My mom is NOT A LADY!”

April 15, 2015
Alice (suddenly): “This nightgown is itching me and itching me and I’m SICK OF THIS NIGHTGOWN!!”

May 1, 2015
Alice: “I love your face, Mom.”

June 27, 2015
Alice (observing my mom’s gray hair): “You’re old, Grandma.”
Grandma: “Sure am!”
Alice: “You’re about to die.”

July 29, 2015
Alice: “Do rabbits drink apple juice?”
Me: “No, they drink water.”
Alice (cries): “I WANT THEM TO DRINK APPLE JUICE!” #bedtime

July 30, 2015
Alice: “Oh, I missed! Boomer!” #bummer

August 9, 2015
Alice: “Mom! We’re on the Macaroni Road!” #spaghettijunction

August 12, 2015
Alice (9 a.m.): “Is it time to pick up Tom from school yet? Because I love my Thomas.”

August 30, 2015
Me: What kind of sandwich would you like?
Alice: Poo-poo!!
Me: Ok! Tom, what about you?
Alice: Noooo! Mom!! I was JUST KIDDING!

September 1, 2015
Alice: “I’m cold, so I need my pajamas STAT! *whispers* That means ‘now.'”

September 5, 2015
Alice: “What are you eating, Mom?”
Me: “Nothing.”
Alice: “Oh! Well then let’s eat Tootsie Rolls!” #sneaky

September 8, 2015
Me: “Promise that if you get married, it’s to a nice boy.”
Alice: “I promise. It’s going to be Thomas.”

October 9, 2015
Me: “What was your favorite part of school?”
Alice: “Umm…I liked it when Dave went to time out.”

November 14, 2015
Alice: “Mom? I keep being mean to Tom.”
Me: “Why don’t you stop?”
Alice: “OK. That’s a good idea.”

November 22, 1015
Alice: “Hey, you want to play a game with me? It’s called ‘Jesus.'”

December 3, 2015
Alice (while dancing): “Just pretend like you don’t hear my toots, okay?”

December 6, 2015
Alice: “Dad is mean!
First: He wouldn’t play monster.
2. He wouldn’t let me watch Barney at first.
And 3. He wouldn’t sit down when I asked yesterday.”

December 7, 2015
Me: You know the twins!
Alice: I don’t remember them. What color is their hair?
Me: Black.
Alice: Do they have jackets?

December 9, 2015
Me: “Time for bed.”
Alice: “I’m just gonna rest with my eyes open, looking at this book.”

December 20, 2015
(The kids are playing together.)
Tom: “I have to put this guy in the graveyard!”
Alice: “OK. Do you want some tea and cakes before you go?”

December 28, 2015
(Alice laughing hysterically)
Me: How many Starbursts did you have?
Alice: Twenty and 30!! (Pause) I mean…two.

December 30, 2015
Alice (about Chris Pratt): *sigh* “I wish I had a boyfriend like that.”

January 8, 2016
Alice: “I love Joseph!”
Me: “You don’t kiss him, do you?”
A: “Yes.”
Me: “Alice!”
A: “Well, not on his eyeballs.”

January 12, 2016
*Alice covers her face with her hands.*
Me: “What are you doing?”
Alice: “I’m just hugging my nose.”

January 25, 2016
A: “I got this sticker at school! It says, ‘GO HOME!'”
Me: “It actually says, ‘Way to go!'”
A: “Ok. But I still want to go home.”

January 30, 2016
Alice: “Do you know how much I love you?”
Me: “How much?”
A: “40!”

February 19, 2016
Alice: “TOM, NO! There is no Godzilla in the Nutcracker!!”

February 20, 2016
Alice (randomly): “What if a giant piece of poop fell out of the sky and into your eyeball?!”

March 11, 2016
Me: “Alice, please stop growing!”
Alice: “Mom! I have to keep growing so I can get big and drink wine like you!” #goals

March 14, 2016
Alice: “Drink this smoothie I made!”
Me: “What’s in it?”
A: “Strawberries, bananas, OJ…”
(I take a drink.)
A: “…Huck’s outside water…”